The Ominous Comma

We interrupt your normally scheduled guest blogging adventure to bring you this Toboggans Search Update, somewhat live from the neon-illuminated wasteland of Northern Nevada.

The road to Toboggans* has been a twisted and tangled one, fraught with peril and roadside urination. Danger has been my constant companion, often taking up the entire back seat of my rental vehicle.

The thrilling details of this epic journey will make someone a great post someday, but for now let me leave you with a few snapshot from the road.

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The most ingenious video game ever invented. No buttons, no joystick, no coordination. Just jumping, jumping, more jumping and then your child’s blissful collapse into exhaustion.

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Travel Tip Number One - Never, ever forget the tranquilizers.

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Customer: “Excuse me, I’m looking for some useless ornamental metal.”

Employee: “Sorry pal, you’re in the wrong place.”

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Comma Girl discovers her place in the world

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I was a little confused about what to do here. After all, I’ve never gone number five before.

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The Comma Clan and I will soon be back to full blogging strength in our secret lair deep in the rancid heart of Memphis. Until then, you relax where you are and hopefully I’ll continue not discovering Doctor Harold Tob-

—Transmission ends—–

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* Caution- The phrase Road to Toboggans may cause Bob Hope to rise from his grave in an undead avenging fury. It might be wise to keep some kosher salt handy, just in case.

Big thanks again to Chris Cameron of Angry Seafood for his masterful guest blogging efforts while I’m away.

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Listed upon Humor-Blogs.com as well as allltop.com

Last week Brent asked me to be a guest blogger while he was on vacation. Actually it was more like begging and I hate to see a grown man grovel so I said yes. I’m kidding, he paid me. Kidding again, he didn’t ask. I hacked his domain and hijacked today’s post spot because that is how I roll…

…Rickroll.

Hey at least I used the death metal version. Much less lame. Somehow Slayer doing Rick Astley seems unholy though, especially when set to the same video.

He also called for people to explain their thought process on writing humor. Since I couldn’t come up with anything else to write about I figured whatever, kill two birds with one stone. I love doing that because it saves time and makes the hippies and enviro-nuts mad at the same time. A win-win situation in my book.

Writing a humor blog is challenging. Every time I start my computer up I have to deal with my anti-virus and firewall software updates. That’s like twenty minutes right there, especially with having to restart the PC because some company told me their software isn’t really ready unless I reboot. Then Firefox decides to update as well. Then a Mythbusters I haven’t seen is showing on Discovery.

Still I preserver.

There were many times I wanted to talk about how an idea becomes a rough draft then develops into a final post. I would go on and on about all the twists and turns the idea took, sometimes even changing completely. I would explain how long they take to create from start to finish.

You can wake up now.

This would be like when you go to Open Mike night and there’s some moonbat explaining why every note is there, and the meaning behind each chord for like an hour. Usually it is a boring story of how their crappy song brings back memories of their dead uncle when in reality their relative was more like Uncle Ned on Family Ties.

Play the song already and pass the vanilla extract.

One thing you have to be careful using are obscure references like that one I just made. In the Uncle Ned (‘Say Uncle’) episode he downs a bottle of vanilla extract to Elyse’s horror and states: “What, did you want some?” Unless you have seen it you will have no clue what I mean and it wouldn’t be funny.

Explaining the joke is killing the joke by the way.

By now you might have figured out I must not have a thought process on writing a humor blog. I do. My creativity is like Neo in The Matrix. The rest of my brain is like Councilor Hamann who wonders how I come up with what I write about.

The only difference is that my humor isn’t going to save the world any time soon. But it does have a purpose: to entertain.

Isn’t that the most important thing in a humor blog post anyways? Well, midgets and monkeys are a big help too but they have to be entertaining or dressed up in scenes from famous movies.

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Great, but somewhat belated thanks to Chris Cameron of Angry Seafood for this rousing yet low sodium guest post.

Show this man some Comma love: vote this on Humor-Blogs.com

alltop.com

If you have ever made a positive change in your lifestyle you know how good it feels.

It doesn’t matter if you’ve lost weight, quit smoking, or ejected a pompous windbag from your website, there is a certain euphoria that comes from living a better life.

Over the last couple months I haven’t simply been enjoying my new Toboggans-free lifestyle, I’ve been basking in it.

I’ve soaked it up in my pores, inhaled it deeply into my lungs, and placed generous pinches of it between my cheek and gums.

To say that is has been a clean break is to drastically undervalue the meaning of the word clean. Really and truly, I just don’t care if I ever smell the Doctor’s noxious scent again.

However, the same cannot be said for my family.

I am referring specifically to Comma Girl, the only one of my offspring still in the cute larval phase of development, who has beleaguered me with her fears for the Doctor’s health and wellbeing.

I have had my misgivings as well, but whereas her worries for Dr. T center around clean clothes and a balanced diet, my concerns are more along the lines of whether or not he’s had his shots and the possibility of having him spayed.

Anyway, somehow my daughter has heard rumors that he’s been spotted in northern Nevada, so as a devoted father I am packing up the entire Comma clan to investigate these allegations and hopefully drive a steak… shine a light into the cavernous mystery of the Doctor’s disappearance.

Filling my shoes while I’m away will be some talented guest blogggers, the first of which will be Chris Cameron of Angry Seafood.

Although my shoes may still be warm and somewhat moist, I assure everyone involved that all issues of odor and fungal infection have been properly addressed.

Wish me luck, if we find Doctor Toboggans, we’ll definitely need it.

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Keep your fingers crossed. The last time we took a family excursion, I ended up with another child which as you might imagine caused all kinds of complications. We will try to keep our family a lot more planned out this time around.

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Feel free to support ‘the fam’ at Humor-Blogs.com. See also alltop.com

Recently I was accused of being droll.

Not this blog mind you, or even the various characters and personas I have populated it with, but me, my very own personal self.

Droll.

If there is anything that gets my dander up and marching around,* it’s being labeled with terms so offensive, so clearly and blatantly derogatory that even I don’t know what they mean.

So in spite of strict vows intellectual pacifism, I undertook the most strenuous research methods at my disposal to fathom the enigmatic mystery known as droll.

After several second of diligent mousework I wiped the sweat from my wrist and basked in the glow of discovery.* After a brief post-investigative nap, I read through the symptoms as presented by the vocabulary professionals of Dictionary.com:

Droll -adjective. amusing in an odd way; whimsical; waggish.

Could it be? Was it possible that The Ominous Comma and myself its erstwhile creator were in fact suffering from the insidious effects of droll humor?

So severe were the consequences of this implication that I sought out a second opinion, and after a couple more clicks of grueling research the lexiconary specialists at Wikipedia confirmed the diagnosis:

Droll Humor -an often dry, witty form of humor that elicits laughs through amusingly odd, sometimes zany behavior or speech.

They those same experts went to on to illustrate the sufferings of well known victims like Steven Wright and John Cleese, never once hinting at a cure.

I was stunned. I didn’t know how to live with such self-knowledge, or myself after having discovered it. My only hope lay with the experimental psychological research of the late Doctor Harold Toboggans*** whose cutting-edge Third Person Repressionary Hypnosis therapy I hoped would give me my one shot at pulling through this crisis without permanent damage.

Snatching at the fragments of memory, I hastily assembled my best approximation of the Doctor’s radical self-programming technique.

I helped myself to several cleansing breaths and a shot of scrubbing bubbles. Then as I gazed convincingly into the mirror, I began the chant:

“Brent Diggs has droll humor - Brent Diggs is droll.”

The moral of the story I began to realize–

“Brent Diggs has droll humor - Brent Diggs is droll.”

Is that any time you set out upon a voyage of self discovery-

“Brent Diggs has droll humor - Brent Diggs is droll.”

Be sure to thoroughly check your itinerary.

“Brent Diggs is…”

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*After years of clinical research it is still unclear what role dander plays in the rageification process, but experts agree that it should definitely get top billing.

**For extended basking I recommend Toboggans Industries Discovery Screen made with actual pieces of ignorance to filter and protect your delicate tissues from the ravages of eureka-band radiation.

***I don’t know for sure that he is dead, but whatever state he’s in, he is very, very tardy to several counseling appointments.

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Rate this post at Humor-Blogs.com. Tickle it behind the ears at alltop.com

In my brief foray onto the internet I have been privileged to work with some of the funniest people to ever post a blog. Writers of such wit and humorocity that lesser talents are forced to schedule their tears of envy for a time when they are not busy laughing.

Although they make it look it easy, each of these practitioners of the funny arts has had to overcome many obstacles and technical hindrances that if allowed, would mug their muse and rob the blogosphere of their valuable contributions.

So today I am asking several of these online humorists to share with us some of the technical knowledge and wisdom that enables their art and powers their presentation.

Please note that this is not a meme.

Despite their funny words most humorists are serious people who tend to believe, wrong or right, that most other people are not going to be interested in their favorite color, childhood pets, or in Seventeen-and-half more things I did over my sixth grade summer vacation unless it somehow involves a nudist colony and rabid porcupines.

But a Writing Challenge however –a chance to test your skills as a writer of humor upon a new and untried subject –that’s a horse of a difference folk song.

So here’s the deal, I’m calling out people with a proven track record of humorous writing and technical proficiency to share their wisdom and expertise with us in an entertaining fashion.

These entries can be fiction, anecdote, satire, parody, poetry, or even a transcript of pre-Columbian interpretive dance, but it needs to be funny, entertaining and it must convey useful and accurate information about the art of blogging to those less educated than yourself in its mysterious ways.

You can see my Introduction to RSS Feeds for an example of what I am talking about.

The reward for your efforts, other than the pride of a job well done and the satisfaction of sharing your experience with those less amazingly genius than yourself, will be your inclusion into an elite organization of Living Internet Resources known as the Better Blogging Bureau. As an added bonus, your membership comes complete with official licensing insignia that you may place in your wallet or even upon your blog, informing each and every person you encounter of just how helpful and downright awesome you truly are.

And to further make the internet a kinder, gentler place, you will also receive the privilege of challenging five other bloggers of humor that you admire to quit being so selfish with their wealth of experience and trickle down a bit of it to us little people.

To start things off I am hereby throwing down the gauntlet to these highly qualified purveyors of humorous weblogery:

Diesel of the Mattress Police - I am confident that the charitable and educational nature of this endeavor will allow it to slide past his pet…I mean guardian, Grudir the meme-slayer, without major incident.

Mark Reynar of the Skwib - Even if Mark himself is busy, I’m sure that one of his simian minions can handle a piece like this for him without breaking a sweat. This is a good thing because there’s nothing quite like the scent of monkey sweat to thoroughly stifle inspiration.

Madeleine Kane of the Mad Kane humor empire - Who in a bold display of the writing instincts that keep her at the top of her game, has already intuited my purpose and posted her entry entitled Dear Newbie.

Kevin Palmer of Pointless Banter - If you have ever read his Buzz Networker stuff you know that Kevin has the technical chops for this challenge. I only hope that he can take a break from his writing, dating, speaking and breathing schedules to answer the call of the people.

His Lordship Andy Fanton of Lord Likely fame - Between his many web holding I’m sure he can find a place to display his riches of blogging wisdom.

No list of bloggers with humorous technical skill would be complete without Kuanyin of Blog Blonde.

I am also calling out Jeff of View From the Cloud,

Fiar of Radioactive Liberty and Humorblogging.com,

Johnny Virgil of 15 Minute Lunch,

And Bossy of I am Bossy because I have a hunch that she is rather instructive as well.

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For those who skimmed over all the good stuff above, the challenge in a nutshell is this:

1. Write a funny post that includes an actual and helpful technical blogging tip or educational material helpful to new bloggers.
2. Challenge five other experienced bloggers of funniness.
3. Post it. (You thought I would overlook that little technicality, didn’t you?)
4. Link and badge up if you so desire.

As always you don’t have to be handpicked by myself to answer this challenge, every blogger I know is always on the lookout for new ideas to write about and here I have provided one for you free of charge.

Will you rise to the challenge or grovel on the couch of…not-rising-ness?

The choice is yours.

Remember, even it comes with a badge and backlinks, and is foisted upon you like a highschool chemistry lab partner, that doesn’t make it a meme.

It’s a challenge.

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Feel free to vote the crap out of this post at Humor-Blogs.com and admire it serenely at alltop.com